My
faith story really does
not begin until I was
21 years old and getting
married. I was
in love with the most
amazing man. We were
in college, Jason, my
husband was going to
school for youth ministry
and I was working to
put him through school. We
were having a great time
getting used to married
life and the trials that
go with it. We
were also having problems
with the birth control,
it made me horribly sick
and we decided that I
would stop taking it. Well,
it has been eleven years
since I stopped and still
no baby. |
We
have been to every doctor
possible. I have
gone through depression,
anger and complacency. I
got to the point where
I stopped going to church,
stopped trusting people
and where I didn’t
even want to be married
any more. If children
were not going to be
part of my life, then
life didn’t matter. That
is when God got a hold
of me. |
I
had a dream one night. I
saw myself getting out
of bed, going to the
kitchen cupboard and
taking every pill I had
and then going back to
bed. I woke-up
in a sweat and it scared
me to think that I could
possibly do something
like that. I called
a church in the area
that a very good friend
of mine attended and
met with the pastor. I
pored out my soul to
him and he prayed with
me and really encouraged
me. I then called
my friend and told her
about it. She
invited me to church
with her that Wednesday
night. I went and
listened to the message
which was about letting
God take control of the
situations in our live. But
my heart was hard, very
hard. I was not
going to listen. I
was going to keep going
on my own. |
My
friend told me she would
pick me up on Sunday
for church. That
Sunday, I was sitting
in church, looking at
the people around me
and thinking, “These
people have no idea what
I have been through,
what I am dealing with.” Everyone
looked so happy and in
love with God, and there
was nothing judgmental
about them. The
speaker spoke on God’s
love and the fact that
we are special in His
sight. I left
very angry and confused.
That Sunday night, with
Loretta by my |
|
|
| side
I rededicated my life to
God, and I know
I was healed of the depression
that had taken over my
life. |
My
outlook changed, it was
amazing. I never felt
anything like it. God
was alive to me. Within
a few months I was on
a plane to Romania on
a mission trip where
I fell in love with two
little boys who I want
to adopt someday. I
was at a point in my
life, where I felt total
peace. God really
had healed me. I
read in 1 Samuel about
Hannah who was weeping
over the fact she could
not have children and
Eli came to her told
her to stop weeping. She
trusted God, and went
out and praised Him. So
that is what I started
to do, praise God for
the life He had given
me. |
| About
a year later, my husband
lost his job and the new
company provided insurance
that covered fertility
treatments. I was
amazed and in shock. We
started the next phase
of our journey and for
the next 6 months we went
through a long process
which put a lot of stress
on both of us. Everything
happens for a reason and
sometimes we can’t
see the end result at the
time that you are going
through a situation. We
went through the process
with the hopes that the
end result would be a child. Then
the day came and the result
of the pregnancy test was
negative. |
| We
were both crushed, it was
a very rough! I was
devastated and went through
a million different emotions. I
was going to leave Jason,
because I had failed him
by not being able to give
him a child. I was
a mess and the depression
began to creep back in. I
decided that I had to stand
up for my life and take
back what God had given
me ~ Peace. I had
to find that peace again
and through much prayer
and a great support system,
I eventually got there. |
| I
am at a point in my life,
where I am pretty happy
with my life and content
with not having children. I
have my moments, but
will not trade anything
for the peace I have. That
is something I want to
hold onto. I feel
my life is to be used
to encourage those around
me who are dealing with
infertility and the stress
it places on a marriage. I
am excited for my journey
and Praise God for the
journey that I am on! |
|
